A Tale of Two Stories
When a therapist comes to me for support, there are always two stories.
There’s the client’s story, and there’s the therapist’s story.
Before addressing the client’s struggle, I always look out for the therapist’s struggle, because the double narrative often runs parallel.
In helping the therapist find clarity in her own story, she can be empowered to help her client find clarity, too. An example of this happened recently when a therapist came to my office for a consultation.
Her client was struggling to speak up for her needs in her marriage, and because her partner didn’t honor them– she was on the verge of ending the relationship.
--
Before responding to the therapist, I got curious about
how the client [she was talking about] had expressed her needs
if she did so in a clear way that was understandable to her partner.
--
And, I wondered about the urgency about the need to say "this marriage is over". I wanted to know more about the internal world of the client and also about the dynamic in the couple.
And, I was also noticing how the therapist was holding the clients' story and orienting to her role as therapist - and what she was hoping to do in the therapy with her client.
---
As the therapist told her client’s story, I picked up on the threads of pressure that the therapist was feeling.
Pressure to help her client experience relief from her frustration in her marriage.
Pressure to do good work with her client so that she keeps her professional reputation good.
Before diving into giving clinical consultation, I zoomed out.
I started to ask her [the therapist] about her routine, what time she goes to sleep, if she has made time to take care of herself, separate from her work.
As she shared, we realized that due to feeling pressure, she had begun neglecting her own needs.
She was staying up late listening to podcasts instead of going to sleep.
She was skipping her gym class so she could book more clients.
And she had been holding onto anger about a something her colleague had said to her - because she didn't have the energy to address it.
Essentially, she was neglecting herself.
Her struggle with her client was a mirror image to her own struggle.
Though the therapist did know how to take care of herself, she had lost her focus and wasn't embodying her self care practices, or honoring her basic needs.
It's harder for us, as therapists, to help our clients when we are not taking good care of ourselves.
I asked her [therapist] what she could do to respect her needs - and take better care of herself. One step. She was receptive and shared one thing she'd do. And to unpack this in her own therapy, if needed.
--
Now, we focused on her client.
Her client had to be taught how to identify her needs and honor them herself. Because as humans, we cannot expect others to respect our wishes if we aren't clear on what our wishes/needs are, or if we aren't clearly communicating what we need/want.
After her client learned both, to identify her needs and how to effectively communicate those needs effectively, then we could assess the relationship. Maybe it was not work-able, or maybe it was, but it was premature to decide before the previous factors were tended to.
This consultation reminded me that a therapist can’t effectively show up for a client struggling with chronic self-neglect, if she struggles to prioritize her needs, too.
As therapists, it’s important to remember that our emotional templates are energetically passed onto our clients. This is why so much of the healing that happens in a clinician's office is in the ability the therapist has to hold space and be a secure figure for her client.
Our clients "borrow" our templates.
And, when we prioritize our needs, it doesn’t only affect the quality of our work, but it improves our quality of life [ which is so important].
Because when we put our needs first, we can replicate that template clinically, somatically, and behaviorally with our client.
Cheers,
Xx
Esther
P.S. How does this land with you?
I’d love to hear your thoughts– reply below. I read all comments.