She was starving for connection, but was equally terrified of it.
Hey therapists, I hope you're having a great week.
As promised, following up with last blog, I'm continuing with Marissa's story..
Somatic Therapy | Working with Attachment
As Marissa came into our weekly sessions, I could tell that she had two distinct parts of her. The part of her that was longing for connection, specifically, wanting to be closer to her daughter, Jennifer, and the part of her that would push people away, when closeness felt too much for her.
The part that would hunger for connection would share about her pain that her daughter had set a strong boundary between them. It was interesting to note that Marissa couldn't understand why the boundary was set.
Why Jennifer was keeping mom at arm's length
Over time, as Marissa began sharing about Jennifer's younger years, the pieces started making sense.
Marissa was an attentive, lovey-dovey mother, giving Jennifer lots of hugs, and kisses. She would spend a lot of time with her daughter, and share lots of giggles and laughs. But that was when Jennifer was younger. A toddler, and a young child.
But as soon as Jennifer became a teenager, Marissa became distant from her daughter.
One session Marissa shared: "
Jennifer says that when she would try to confide in me, asking about sexual development, about boys and social struggles, I would shut down...."
I looked at Marissa.
“And what do you recall about that?" I asked.
I took a deep breath, hoping Marissa had some level of self awareness....but knowing that if she didn't, that would be our work, together.
Healing wounds from 25 years ago
In the next few sessions, Marissa shared how she does recall being disinterested in "certain topics". It seemed that Marissa would have a hard time being present with her daughters' struggles. She was only able to hear about "light topics" (as she describes).
Jennifer was right, she didn't have her mom by her side.....
emotionally, that is.
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Our work was clear for me. I wanted to work with the part of Marissa that was unable to connect with her daughter in a real way.
Her daughter's pain was triggering her own unresolved pain
It made me wonder about what pain she (Marissa) was holding that made her have such a strong reaction to her daughter's struggles...and where she learned her procedural response (her unconscious pattern), to shut down.
My plan was to help process the pain so it wouldn't bleed into her parenting in this way.
----
Over the next few months, we did some powerful work.
Putting her "agenda" of getting closer to her daughter on the side, we got to focus on the automatic response she had used to protect herself.
What trauma does to connection
She was starving for connection, but also terrified of connection, at the same time.
As a teenager, Marissa endured a deeply painful experience, and her daughter hitting teen-hood triggered those memories.
Until we processed the pain, Marissa would struggle to be a mom who was able to connect. Connection felt too scary because her body would have flashbacks and fears that would flood her when she tried getting too close to anyone.
Using my advanced Somatic Therapy Techniques, I helped Marissa's teenage self finally process the traumatic memory that had been bottled up - for over 25 years.
The somatic tools helped me get to the unconscious pain she was holding....and release it.
She shed some bitter heavy tears. Tears of pain. Of suffering and of sorrow. She engaged in the Somatic Interventions, and slowly began being more present. Her terror around connection softened. The shift was heartwarming.
How was I able to help her?
With proper skill and clinical finesse I was able to guide her to actually finding relief.
We don't need to just have clients understand their lives, their stories and why they are they way they are.
We need to get to the core thread of their pain.
And give them therapy that provides relief.
And guide them, strategically, through a process that leaves their cells feeling relief. Yes, neuroscience research shows how some therapies provide deeper relief than others.
Do you have clients like Marissa?
I imagine that you might. On a daily basis, therapists reach out to me to "pick my brain" and hear about how I would treat certain clients. I wish I could answer all the questions that come in, as many of them need proper attention, time and clinical nuance - to guide the therapist.
I found a solution of how I can help you!
I decided to create a Trauma Therapist Cohort where I share all my somatic skills and therapy skills with you- AND where I provide individual and group consultation.
This is the way I can support you in deepening your therapy skills. and doing the deeper work that'll leave your clients leaving sessions feeling real relief!
Here are the ways I'm here to support your growth!
Learn more : Click here to book your FREE 15-minute consult.
Let's explore working togetherTrauma Therapist Toolkit. Use this Mini Trauma Toolkit that includes PsychoEducational Tools and a Pacing Exercise. Download here!
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1:1 Consultation: Currently at capacity, but keep your eyes peeled.
