Transference in Therapy: a New York Therapist’s Approach
Transference in Therapy:
How Erotic, Maternal, and Relational Longing Become Gateways to Healing.
A Somatic, Attachment-Based, and Trauma-Informed Approach from a New York Therapist
When Erotic Longing Shows Up in the Therapy Room
Jasmine, a 34-year-old client, sat across from her therapist, visibly nervous. She had been working in therapy for several months, exploring trauma, emotional numbness, and relationships. On this particular day, she hesitated, then said quietly:
"I had a sexual dream about you. I feel embarrassed even saying that out loud, but I also woke up feeling... comforted. It made me feel connected in a way I didn’t expect.”
Her therapist didn’t react with shock or discomfort. She met Jasmine with a steady, warm presence, her body grounded and breath slow. She softly responded:
“I really appreciate your honesty. Let’s stay with that. These feelings make sense, especially in a space where you’re being deeply seen and cared for. There’s no shame here.”
Rather than analyzing the fantasy or avoiding it, the therapist invited Jasmine to notice what was happening in her body—her heartbeat, the warmth in her chest, the flutter in her stomach. This was erotic transference—and it was treated not as something to avoid, but as something sacred.
Understanding Transference in Therapy
Transference is the psychological phenomenon where a client unconsciously projects feelings, beliefs, and relational patterns from past relationships—often caregivers—onto the therapist. It's one of the most powerful elements in deep psychotherapy.
Transference can show up in many forms:
Erotic Transference
Feelings of romantic or sexual desire toward the therapist. These feelings are not necessarily about the therapist personally, but can reflect deep longing for intimacy, validation, and safe emotional connection.
Maternal Transference
A desire for motherly nurturance or comfort, often arising in clients who experienced inconsistent or neglectful caregiving. The therapist becomes a symbolic "good mother"—a corrective emotional experience.
Paternal or Authority Transference
Seeking approval, fear of judgment, or resistance projected from authority figures or fathers.
Sibling or Peer Transference
Clients may unconsciously reenact sibling rivalry, friendship dynamics, or a need for loyalty and closeness.
To explore more about how transference is a central part of the therapeutic process, read our blog:
When Erotic Transference Emerges: A Somatic and Trauma-Informed View
When we look at it through a Somatic lens, erotic transference is often a nervous system response—an attempt to reach for safety, aliveness, and closeness. As trauma begins to thaw, arousal (emotional or sexual) can emerge as part of the healing. This is all healthy and normal.
This is why understanding our clients’ nervous systems matters so much. So we feel calm and are able to stay steady and anchoring our clients in their process, with anything that comes up.
Some tools trauma-informed therapists use are:
- Tracking and naming body sensations
- Differentiating between sensation and meaning
- Regulating arousal with grounding and breath
- Staying present in the face of vulnerability and longing
When therapists do this, they help their clients learn to feel safe in their own skin. And that sensation and intense feelings are just that, sensations that move through them.
This is not about encouraging fantasy—but about something foundational to healing: befriending the body’s messages and allowing emotional expression to be shared, and digests a felt sense of safety.
Attachment and Longing: What Erotic and Maternal Transference Are Really About
Now let’s look at this from an attachment, relational lens.
In attachment-based therapy, erotic or maternal transference is so rich and can be used in such a powerful way to deepen the therapy process! Transference is often not about sex or parenting per se. It’s about core attachment needs:
- To be seen
- To be safe
- To be held without needing to perform
- To feel desirable without danger
As therapists, we can name and normalize this: You can use words like;
“There’s a part of you wanting to feel deeply known and cherished. Let’s honor that.
Another form of Attachment Healing:
AEDP and the Power of the Healing Dyad
In Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), therapists use the real-time emotional relationship to create deep healing. Erotic or maternal transference isn’t ignored—it’s skillfully worked with through:
- Dyadic regulation (co-regulating affect)
- Undoing aloneness (naming emotional experiences in real time)
- Transformational moments (where the client feels seen, held, and safe within boundaries)
AEDP views these moments not as distractions—but as portals for transformation.
What’s most important to hold in mind:
Holding Transference with Warmth and Boundaries
As therapists, we want to approach transference in a :
-Healthily Boundaried, yet steady and present way
- Curious, not shaming
- Embodied, and not intellectualizing.
These help move through and with the clinically rich information that is needing to be processed so the client can move into the next layer of healing.
Remember, transference Isn’t a Disruption—It’s the Path
Whether you’re experiencing a sense of desire, longing, fear, or connection with your therapist [as a client], or if this comes up with your clients [as a therapist], these feelings aren’t problems. They’re messages.
When safely held and explored, transference becomes the very heart of the therapeutic process.
This is not about acting on desire, but about reclaiming intimacy, worth, and connection in your nervous system, your body, and your relationships.
Hold these in mind when you’re navigating the waters of transference in your sessions.
And watch how the work will likely deepen.
Sending care your way, and wishing you many sessions of healing [whether as a client, therapist, or both].
Xx, Esther
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P.S. Looking for Skilled Therapy in New York or Long Island?
At my group practice, Integrative Psychotherapy, we offer somatic, trauma-informed, IFS and attachment-based therapy for individuals seeking deep healing through relational work. If you’re curious about how transference in therapy might be showing up in your process, we’re here to support you with compassion, clarity, and care.
Are you a Therapist?
If you’re ready to expand your confidence in working with Trauma, Somatic & the Body, join my trauma training program. If you’re a clinician looking to deepen your trauma skills—especially around attachment wounds, and relational depth—you’re invited to apply.
Our immersive trauma training course is designed for therapists who want to work more confidently with:
- Complex trauma and dissociation
- Somatic attunement and regulation
- Attachment-based healing
- IFS Parts work & relational transference in therapy
Join an incredible group of trauma-informed therapists and gain advanced tools rooted in the latest research in SE, AEDP, IFS, polyvagal theory, and beyond.