When parents get in the way of their own child’s healing
When parents come in the way of their child's healing journey
......It's a common challenge many face.
Take, for example, Leah*, a compassionate therapist, who shared in a recent consultationabout a difficult situation with the father of her 8-year-old client.
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In the parent-therapist sessions that would take place (once every 6 weeks), dad would become visibly anxious, irritated and on edge. It was apparent that the father was grappling with his own emotional triggers while trying to be there for his son's therapy needs. Something about his son's current struggle was kicking something up for dad.
Dad's difficulty with self regulation was taking precedence over his son's anxiety treatment
The sessions, though intended to support mom and dad in helping the client, began becoming more about regulating dad and his triggers. And, dad began leaving panicked messages, between sessions - at first about his son, but over time, about his own panic and daily worries. It was clear that he was dealing with something significant.
Despite Leah's attempts to stick to her time limits of out of session contact, and focus on the son's therapy, the messages from the father only increased.
And, Leah was getting pulled in to the dynamic and trying to "save" Dad. ( ever been there?)
Leah needed to redirect the treatment focus to be on her client's treatment.
I noticed that Leah was not being as firm with dad as she needed to be- so that she could keep doing good work with the son. She was having her own countertransference reaction - and wasn't being as firm with the dad.
In our consultation conversation, she realized that she wasn't actually being helpful to dad - or the son. She was feeling torn and not able to focus in the work.
We came up with a game-plan so that she can keep doing good work with her client. And also guide dad to the support he needed.
Setting Boundaries With Parents, in Therapy
I asked Leah to reflect on these pointers....
First:
Could she notice what was coming up inside of her that compelled her to respond to dad's panic?
Yes - this was half the work. Once she realized her own worries/need to save, the rest was much easier to navigate...
Then,
Could she be upfront about her concerns? Absolutely.
Could she gently point out that the father's behavior may be a reflection of his own unmet needs? Definitely.
Could she help him understand that his son would benefit more if he took some time to focus on his own well-being? Without a doubt.
And perhaps most importantly, could she teach the father what type of communication would be most beneficial for his son's therapy process? Absolutely.
A kind yet firm script.
We role played what she can say. Something to the effect of ...
"Your son and I are making great progress together. I notice that we have not been able to focus on our progress because you've got a lot of emotions that are coming up. How about we spend 10 minutes talking about you- and what's going on for you, and then, come up with a plan to support you- separate form your son. I actually think doing this will allow us to help you son - as children do well when parents have the support they need, too. And, then, I can be sure to keep focusing our time on your son and how you and your family and support his therapy work."
Being firm and also respectful
Leah was initially worried about having a conversation because she didn't want to shame dad for his emotions - we processed the transference/ countertransference related to this.
In moving past her ambivalence, and in coming up with respectful but also clear script, we were able to honor dad and also protect the therapy work.
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I loved seeing how Leah was able to feel calmer, more confident and, more focused in her work - while being able to not just maintain a relationship with dad, but also supporting him in getting his own therapy.
Seeking clinical consult helps us do our best work.
The Trauma Training Cohort I created is specifically designed to help therapists navigate their most challenging cases with a trauma-informed lens. This is my favorite part - in supporting therapists doing their best work.
Book a FREE 15-minute call to discover how the Trauma Training Cohort can provide you with the tools and knowledge to foster profound healing and transformation in your clients, while enhancing your skills as a therapist.
In your corner,
Esther G