Her client was annoyed she wasn’t yet feeling better…
Hey there, trauma therapist,
---
Do you ever have a client who is annoyed that they are not yet feeling better?
I know I have. When this happens, I am left wondering if we were clear on treatment goals, if the client is getting impatient, or if we aren't focused enough on the therapy target.
---
Here's a scenario a therapist shared in the Trauma Therapist Cohort, about a client who was feeing annoyed. This might sound familiar to you.
Sandy* and Her Loneliness
---
Sandy is 55 year old woman who has been feeling the despair of loneliness. She's been navigating a divorce, and in doing so, has been faced with judgment from her family, and her social group. They don't understand her situation, so she's been isolating herself to cope.
She often shares how heavy her loneliness is. And, when asked where she feels it in her body, she says, "Everywhere".
--
To cope, she avoids her feelings and distracts by getting engrossed in intense "trauma bond" relationships that crash and burn... and all-consuming projects that leave her feeling overwhelmed, unsuccessful, and...even more alone.
----
Her therapist has been getting into a dance where the client keeps repeating the cycle, isn't feeling better, and can't understand why therapy hasn't helped her yet.
---
Role Playing | A way to practice interventions
One of my favorite aspects of the Trauma Training Cohort is the live consultations. It's where therapists bring their questions and get consult and feedback. Sometimes, we engage in role-playing.
We role play...
I pretend to be the therapist - and the therapist takes on the role of Sandy.
---
ME: Hey Sandy...can we sit with this feeling of loneliness for a minute? Would you be willing to work with this part of you?
Guess how she responds?
SANDY: "Well, Yeah. That's why I'm here. I'm spending precious time, energy and money, and it's not working."
Ok, pause.
--
First, Let's take a minute and send caring wishes to our clients who are frustrated therapy isn't working as quickly as they'd like.
Second, instead of joining the panic bandwagon, I like to pay attention to the part of her that feels this need to rush.
----
ME: (In the gentlest voice and with a curious tone):
”OK, Sandy, I notice this part of you chiming in that wants to rush through therapy. It's almost telling us, "MOVE. Let's do it already!” And I'm here telling you we need to go slower. I see you are frustrated, it make so much sense. At the same time, THIS is the only pace that CAN actually change your life.”
SANDY: *sneers*
She's allowed to feel frustrated. And, I am going to embody being the steady guide to more intentional and focused therapy.
ME: “You don't have to trust my word. I welcome your doubt. I actually want to welcome it and give it a spot at the table.It has some real worries - or maybe fears, that we may not be helping you- am I right?”
SANDY: nods.
ME: “Yes, that makes sense. So much sense. You've been in so much pain for so long. It's hard.
And, at the same time, I wonder if that part can give us a bit of space to try something different? And see if it can help.”
SANDY: “Ok”
ME: “Is it ok for us to work with the part of you that feels really alone - and, the worry that the feeing of aloneness will never go away?”
She looks at me. I can see the pain in her eyes as she nods.
I get that sense we are on to something.
—
“I am here to help you with that feeling so it's not as strong - and doesn't overtake you as often as it has. Does that sound ok?”
SANDY: “Alright. If you think you can help”, she says somewhat sheepishly, but with a tinge of relief. It seems we are getting to the core of her pain and there may be some hope for her.
ME : “My sense is that the part that wants to rush us is related to the part of you that feels alone. It wants to rush to make sure I know that you're in pain and it needs to get better.”
SANDY: “Exactly. Do you see how much I need the help?”
ME: “Yes, and we are here to do exactly that.”
--
I then go on to role-play with working with the part of her that has felt alone in the past- and feels alone - in her daily life.
We need to work with the protective, doubtful and worried parts in order to get to the core of the pain. We can't skip over the steps. Rather, engaging with the "blockages" actually helps us build trust and gain better footing for the therapy work to come.
--
Why do we invite the "rushing part"?
In the above snippet, I made sure to speak to the part that's rushing the process. I don't want to let that part of Sandy run the show because that part of Sandy has not served her well until now. It helps her get to focus on the help she needs, but it also induces panic, fear and leads to hopelessness.
I want to help her shift the way it's impacting her, even if just a bit.
For Sandy, working with the rushing part helped her slow down and let go of the heavy load of needing to constantly "be busy". In slowing down, she's finding more space and energy to be in her process - and essentially, engage in the work that leads her to more significant shifts.
Try this in a session with your client.
Don't dance with the parts showing up.
Instead, name them and lean in to them.
Yes, some of this is IFS Internal Family Systems informed.
I am trained in Levels 1 and 2 and share more IFS/Parts work language and real-time tools, in our Trauma Cohort, with you.
Your turn. What would you say to a client that's frustrated with the pace?
In your corner, Esther G
Want to improve your confidence, have better clinical outcomes?
Let's work together:
Get your FREE Trauma Therapist Toolkit