Boundaries Sessions | Q&A’s
Happy Thursday, let's dive in!
Question 1
Ok so sounds like the client is navigating layers of grief- shock, anger, hurt...those are all very healthy and normal. In order to change something we did, or a pattern we used to engage in, we need to feel anger in order to feel fueled to make a shift. If I'm happy with something or feeling indifferent, I won't feel compelled to shift.
But, in looking at the hurt/pain/disappointment and losses (of safety, hope, voice being hurt, whatever else was lost or not given to her), these necessary big emotions will come up and that is a good thing!
The danger is in getting stuck in the emotions.
We don't want her to stay stuck in shock/anger/bargaining/depression or defeat. You'll want to help her move through the rage- and the beliefs she has about herself now- as she looks back at her former behaviors/dynamics/relationships.
Be sure to separate her past survival part (people pleasing, or shut down part) from the part of her you are working with in session (the one who is sad/upset and committed to making a change in her life.
If she is blended, it'll be hard to successfully move through the emotions.
(parts work training coming in good use here :)
You can use somatic techniques to help sequence the anger- so it comes out and through her.
If she's feeling defeated- she is not feeling trusting that though she did lose a lot, she can and will - and is - making the changes needed.
And our clients need to know that as we work with the core pain/anger/sadness and the associated survival strategies that they used to use- they will see shifts. Maybe slow ones, but the way they believe about themselves shifts and they'll have access to more choice points. And, tolerate the discomfort that comes along with those changes.
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I'd love to know more about your work and what you your current treatment focus is - I'd focus on one primary memory, relief or emotion - as that may give her the most relief.
And, Question 2:
Seems she's (or a part of her) is stuck in the "attach" survival strategy. The strategies are : fight/flight/freeze/submit/attach.
Attach is that “I will cling to you - because I need you and it's dangerous if I let you go”.
The fear is, “Either, I'll get hurt - or I'll be alone and have no where to go- or I'll be in danger”.
First off, I wonder about her current life- does she have any steady connections/relationships that are neutral - or positive- aside for these men.
Or, are the men the only "attachment figures" she has?
Second, how young does the part of her feel - the one that feels she can only say yes. It's likely younger - or connected to a younger developmental need.
In your therapy, I'd help with cultivating dual awareness and then working with that young one who has a basic need (that she is looking to get filled by these men ) and see if you can get to know that part. We need to get to know parts before doing some "fancy intervention".
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It may also be an enactment - replaying a dynamic of sexual abuse, or abandonment or something else.
The impulsivity makes me think there's little capacity to access choice when she's in this place- so I'd assess for ADHD, and/or dissociation.
I know these are thoughts to chew on - but these are some of my initial thoughts.
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I geek out on Trauma Therapy Consultation - and this is why I've created the Trauma Cohort:
where you learn info (we have a 10 page IFS/Parts book with images and explanations to use for you and in session with clients) and modules on boundaries, somatic work, dissociation, grief...
and in the live consult calls I help you apply the wisdom and skills to your realtime sessions.
If you're looking for this kind of learning + consultation, scroll below for more!
Cheers to learning together,
Esther