Grasping only made her lonelier.. here’s what finally helped.
Somatic Therapy & Trauma Training
She came in with a frown written all over her face.
I could tell she had a miserable weekend. It was Monday morning - and I already knew, based on the look on her face if the weekend was enjoyable, meh or downright awful.
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Catherine* [not her real name] was one my longtime clients.
I loved working with her as she was insightful and engaged in our therapy work.
Though she had one of the roughest childhoods I have heard, she was also a woman with passion - which is what got her far in life. Working in a law firm in New York was no easy feat but she had used her energy to expand her knowledge and be one of the best on her team.
One of our goals, actually, was in helping her slow down because her performance was tightly connected to her identity. It was almost like she believed "If I perform, I will be deserving of love"....
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Now... back to the Monday morning and her Frown.
She had been recently wanting to work on expanding her social network.
Though her work-life was rich, she recently started feeling a gnawing feeling of loneliness. She was hungry for connection. Which made sense. She got her work life to where she wanted it to- to meet her basic needs but now she wanted more.
Here's where her struggle was.
As I shared above, she had this over-identification with work-self, her performance made her feel worthy. But, we all know that you can't hide behind work skills when you want to build relationships. You need relationship skills. But Catherine did not have much practice with those skills.
Coming out of her Cocoon - hungering for connection
Her childhood and her past relationships were pretty chaotic- and that's why she had chosen to isolate, to avoid conflict and emotional turmoil. Isolation, in small doses, can be healthy, when someone is doing some deeper work and needs time to introspect. Which is what she had done for the last few months as she engaged in EMDR and somatic work in therapy, around her feelings of worthiness.
We had made progress and she had begun carrying herself more confidently and creating a better sense of self. I saw the growth over time and it was heartwarming to see.
When Reaching = Grasping. OOPS
But lately, she was hungering for connection. But what would happen was that when she would connect with someone, she would become very clingy and "graspy". And though the other person would initially enjoy her company, they would start pulling away because they began to feel stifled. As her therapist, it was painful to see this happening, because it did take so much effort for her to connect, and it was crushing to see her be let down again and again and again.
I took time to reflect and then, realized what was happening...
She was stuck in a Chronic Reach.
In our recent emails, I shared about our 5 Neurocellular Patterns by Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen.
Catherine would fluctuate between being disconnected, to over-connected [ co-dependent]. When she reached, she was reaching out of a place of deep need and fear, and so her connection was unbalanced and unwelcomed by others.
Somatic Therapy to Undo a Chronic Reach
In our work, I used my somatic therapy tools to help her work through the inner need that she was needing to have filled, so her connections were able to be more balanced.
Read the 3 STEP SOMATIC EXERCISE HERE
Over the next few months, we worked on her core relational and somatic needs so that she would be able to engage with others from a more balanced place. Over time, this lead her to having more fulfilling and balanced relationships. [yay!]
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Now, turning to you, my fellow therapists...
Have you a client similar to Catherine? [stuck in a reach]
What has worked so far?
I invite you to try this somatic exercise with them!
Let me know how it goes.
Warmly, Esther
Wait Esther, I want more!
If you're wanting some more somatic skills and some personalized clinical implementation, we've got a way to support you.
Or, grab your slot in our upcoming Trauma Training Cohort.
And stay close, as I'll be sharing more trauma informed and somatic tools with you!